The art of being depressed

I've often wondered if people who think you are depressed just aren't doing sad the right way. I mean look, we can all be happy, running around listening to "Party in the USA" (what, just me!?) Happy... but it takes someone who has been truly depressed to do sad, I mean, really do it. Everyone can be sad when we grieve, when something tragic happens, but being sad for no reason at all, now THAT's a talent. Try explaining it to someone, "Oh you know, I got up today and heard "Both Sides Now" (Joni Mitchell... look it up) (yes, Joni Mitchell and Miley Cyrus, deal with it) and it DESTROYED me. It took my breath away with it's words, with its sadness, and you know what? I loved it.

Maybe it isn't sadness or depression, maybe it's just being so caught up in emotion, so caught up in words that we just can't describe the feelings we have. Sometimes my head swirls with a million words, pictures, and songs, that I can't fully tell people the emotion I am feeling. But there are moments of clarity that come from the confusion, moments of "I never would have appreciated this" that people miss. So what if I like sad songs, they just reassure me that I am not crazy, that the emotions that overwhelm Me are totally understood... in such a clear and beautiful way.

I went on anti-depressants once, they weren't for me. There are days when I hate being sad, days it consumes me and makes me incredibly difficult to be around... when I was on the anti-depressants I didn't have many of those days, but I didn't want to Party in the USA either (lame joke!). I remember driving home from work and "Hallelujah" by Jeff Buckley came on (top 5 song for me), and I remember thinking, "Wow, this song sucks...". It was a moment of clarity for me, things I loved were being taken away, and for what? I was being changed, something in my life that had shaken me to the core, made me cry and helped me through some of my darkest moments now "sucked". I wonder who is reading this, thinking, "Dude, just a song." You know what, it's not. Its a collection of moments that I can vividly recall being so full of emotion, for better or worse, why would I want to lose that?

So you happy people, the one's who think I am depressed... I want to have a day to listen to sad music, watch a depressing movie, I want to feel those moments like you will never understand. I want to get so lost in my thoughts and fears that I am honestly afraid I wont find my way out. I feel in a way you will never understand, I feel so inadequate that at times I am scared to go outside, but its those feelings that push me to be better, to do better.

You tell me I am not happy... guess what, you aren't doing sad the right way.

Vinylmation...

My name is Brady and I am an addict. I am addicted to Vinylmation (toys) figures. It happened when we at Disneyland in September... there was nothing I could do about it, I promise! I love little trinkets, as my wife calls them. I have them all over my desk at home, my desk at work, in drawers, on shelves, I just like to collect them. They remind me of places, of people, of things I love (Star Wars... NERD ALERT!). I even buy them for my Sister when I go out of town, the cheesier the better, and better yet if she has to hide them when her kids are around.

Back to Vinylmation! They are Vinyl Mickey Mouse figure, 3" in height. Various artists paint them, they are sold boxed and IN BAGS. You have no idea what ones you are getting! Each set has 12 figures, 11 you know of but one "chaser"... so evil. I bought six in Disneyland and have so far resisted buying more, that is until last week when I found out they sold them in the Disney Store in Provo (I may have ordered two from disneystore.com as well). I think part of the reason I love them is that they are artistic, if that makes any sense at all. They aren't just some random toy (they are), but something someone designed, and they are AWESOME. You need proof!?



Thats Super Mouse, apparently I lucked out as is he is hard to find. Anyway, I just needed to get that off my chest, and to see if I remembered how to use my camera! I totally understand if you are firing up disneystore.com to buy a few though...

I love to write, but I also love to start projects, get all jazzed about them and never touch them again... it's just who I am, I guess. I was reading a blog yesterday and felt inspired, I wanted to write again, for the first time in quite some time.

You see, I used to blog, quite often. About all sorts of things, music, TV, nothing, but most of all I blogged quite a bit about my family. I went back and read quite a few of those posts, I had forgotten about so many things with my oldest daughter! What have I already forgotten about my youngest!?

So here is the deal, I am going to blog again, this time with a purpose. I want to make sure I don't forget all the little details, that I can go back and read this very blog and remember things I had somehow managed to forget. So here it is, blog post numero uno!

I didn't really graduate from High School... well not in the traditional sense, at least. While all of my friends were throwing their caps in the air, I was playing Golf with my Dad. Some classes I took from BYU didn't count, until a month after graduation when they decided they did. I have never experienced a commencement, as boring as they may be, I feel like I am missing out. About six months ago I was hanging my Wife's diploma and started to wonder how I would explain to my kids that I didn't graduate from college but Mom did... maybe they wouldn't ask, but this question really bothered me.

Here is the deal, I hated school... a lot. I barely graduated, barely. I could never get going at my various attempts at Higher Education, it all felt the same. Why would this time be any different? I had no reason to believe it would be, aside from being Older and fatter. But I decided to take the chance, spend some time finding an Education Model that works for me and give it a chance. Two months in, and I have finished 5 college level classes, it's hard for me to believe. (Selfishly, I also wanted to blog again to chronicle my journey through school, who wouldn't want to read about my late night struggles with complex equations!?) You know what that means? 5 classes closer to me walking up and being handed a diploma, I can't wait.

So there you go, a honest to goodness blog post again. The start of something, I can feel it. I have tried to start blogging again, but have always felt like I didn't have anything to add... but looking back, I really did. I am just sad I am going to forget the little things I used to write down. Something strange happened when I was thinking about this post though, I started thinking back about moments in my life, not the biggies, you never forget those, but the little things... and I thought about the first CD's I ever purchased. You know what it was? Randy Travis - Deeper than the Holler and Mark Chestnutt - Bubba Shot the Jukebox (Lognecks and Short Stories). I bought them with my Sister Tawni and my Mom, in a mall somewhere... maybe Fashion Place? Tawni bought a CD that day too, we ate a chick-fil-a, I wonder if she remembers eating there and looking at the CD's. I wonder if I would have blogged about it, had blogging been around. In the future I promise to be less boring, more moody and unpredictable, I hear thats what all the cool kids are doing.