I've often wondered if people who think you are depressed just aren't doing sad the right way. I mean look, we can all be happy, running around listening to "Party in the USA" (what, just me!?) Happy... but it takes someone who has been truly depressed to do sad, I mean, really do it. Everyone can be sad when we grieve, when something tragic happens, but being sad for no reason at all, now THAT's a talent. Try explaining it to someone, "Oh you know, I got up today and heard "Both Sides Now" (Joni Mitchell... look it up) (yes, Joni Mitchell and Miley Cyrus, deal with it) and it DESTROYED me. It took my breath away with it's words, with its sadness, and you know what? I loved it.
Maybe it isn't sadness or depression, maybe it's just being so caught up in emotion, so caught up in words that we just can't describe the feelings we have. Sometimes my head swirls with a million words, pictures, and songs, that I can't fully tell people the emotion I am feeling. But there are moments of clarity that come from the confusion, moments of "I never would have appreciated this" that people miss. So what if I like sad songs, they just reassure me that I am not crazy, that the emotions that overwhelm Me are totally understood... in such a clear and beautiful way.
I went on anti-depressants once, they weren't for me. There are days when I hate being sad, days it consumes me and makes me incredibly difficult to be around... when I was on the anti-depressants I didn't have many of those days, but I didn't want to Party in the USA either (lame joke!). I remember driving home from work and "Hallelujah" by Jeff Buckley came on (top 5 song for me), and I remember thinking, "Wow, this song sucks...". It was a moment of clarity for me, things I loved were being taken away, and for what? I was being changed, something in my life that had shaken me to the core, made me cry and helped me through some of my darkest moments now "sucked". I wonder who is reading this, thinking, "Dude, just a song." You know what, it's not. Its a collection of moments that I can vividly recall being so full of emotion, for better or worse, why would I want to lose that?
So you happy people, the one's who think I am depressed... I want to have a day to listen to sad music, watch a depressing movie, I want to feel those moments like you will never understand. I want to get so lost in my thoughts and fears that I am honestly afraid I wont find my way out. I feel in a way you will never understand, I feel so inadequate that at times I am scared to go outside, but its those feelings that push me to be better, to do better.
You tell me I am not happy... guess what, you aren't doing sad the right way.
2 comments:
I've never thought of depression in those terms. No one tells you if you're doing happy right. No one diagnoses happiness. Feeling deeply whether happy or sad is important. It helps define who we are and what we need / want.
Love that song...you're my king of songs. No really. You are.
Thank you, sincerely, thank you.
I echo Tawni's words about the music as well - all I know about music comes from my younger bro.
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